Call me strange, but I don’t really masturbate. I know, it’s weird. I’m a guy. I’m supposed to. I do, however, watch porn when I get bored. It’s like watching a monster truck show: An over-the-top spectacle of gratuitous excess that you just can’t turn away from. It’s shockingly classless, but completely entertaining. That being said, here are five (5) aspects of pornography that either bore me, irritate me, and/or (often times) disgust me:
I don’t know why, but I cannot watch porn unless a cock is involved in some way, shape or form. To me, lesbian porn is just downright benign and boring. Call me a deviant, but I enjoy watching my porn stars get punished with a comically-long Johnson. Strap on? Not cutting it. Dildo? Nope. Vibrator? Come on. I can’t believe I’m saying this but… Show me the cock!
4. Fat Dudes:
Alright, so I (may or may not have) crossed the line and said I require a dude penetrating a chick if I’m going to watch porn. Well, I draw the line at fat dudes (the above pictured Ron Jeremy being a wonderful example.) Nothing is more vomit-inducing than witnessing the heinous act that is a fat dude slamming a (by all intents and purposes) pretty hot chick. I mean, it almost seems criminal. I can’t believe that fat piece of shit has banged better-looking chicks than Brad Pitt (albeit they were whores, but whatever.) Anyway, that shit disgusts me. Straight the fuck up.
3. The MILF Hunter:
I don’t know how this douchebag gets pussy. I guess it just goes to show that there’s a direct correlation between being a douche and getting laid. I don’t know what’s more repulsive about this guy: His pencil dick, his irritating tongue wag, or his stupid-ass pudding ring (see: goatee.) This guy pretty much sucks, and every time I see his ugly mug pop up on my computer screen, I go limp.
2. Huge Clitorises:
Umm. I hope I didn’t just get you fired.
But anyway, what the fuck!? I’m definitely NOT into chicks who have a bigger dick than me (not really, but you get the point.) I’m sorry, but if it aint a crack – you can have it back. There’s nothing worse than watching a hot-ass fucking porn star strip down, only to expose some legendary moose knuckle under her trousers (see: Helena Karel – a prime offender.) Can you say “insta-limp”? It’s spelled H-U-G-E C-L-I-T. Beat.
Since there was absolutely nothing even approaching “decent” or “acceptable for this blog” to post as a picture on here, I went with Anne Hathaway (yes, she really was the second google image result for “anal sex”, right between two gay dudes and tons of black cock.)
Back to the point though: Fuck anal sex. I love watching my favorite porn stars getting slammed six ways til Sunday. But when the dude pulls it out and slips it in their ass, I’m instantly turned off. I don’t get what the fixation with anal sex is. It’s not fun. It’s not cool. It doesn’t feel remarkably (or even marginally) better than vaginal sex. So what the fuck? (I know, it’s a dominance thing, right?) Anyway, the last thing I want to see in my porn is some 12-inch mammoth dong violently penetrating a 5’2 Asian porn starlet. Not my idea of a good time.
Why can’t people get their kicks the old fashioned way and just jerk off to a slow motion cum shot compilation? (also known as a “cumpilation”) I mean, that’s normal, right?