What Are The Rules to “Bros Icing Bros”?
For about the last six months, the popular drinking/hazing trend “Bros Icing Bros” has been making its way around the internets via youtube, twitter and facebook. For some reason, (not surprisingly), hipsters find it fucking hilarious (see: Ryan “The Gayest Flame” Fleming.) Furthermore, an alarming trend has developed. That is, hipsters going around icing their bros en masse, while never having been iced themselves.
This, of course, is an outrage.
I have several analogies to compare this to:
1. Frat pledges having the audacity to haze the senior members of the frat. Since when do skinny freshmen have the right to force their senior counterparts to give one another handjobs with peanut butter as lube? NEVER. That’s when. So why the fuck should someone who has never been iced think he has the right to go around icing others? Well, he shouldn’t.
2. A pathetic virgin trying to give a sage veteran tips on fucking. Well, if you’ve never been laid, then you certainly shouldn’t be handing out tips on how to make love. Same thing goes for icing. If you’ve never been iced, then please don’t embarrass yourself by attempting to remain relevant in the same conversation as those of us that have.
3. A lay man attempting to give out advice to a master of any given profession. Do I tell mechanics how to properly fix a carburetor? No. Have I ever instructed a surgeon on how to properly make an incision? Absolutely not. Would I ever have the gall to give Kobe Bryant tips on how to execute a fade-away jump shot? Not if I didn’t want my ass beat, no. So why the fuck am I supposed to listen to some idiot hipster make up rules on icing? I’m not.
That being said, allow me (a veteran of being iced) to introduce a simple framework on the tenants of Icing. Some ground rules, if you will:
- This is the first rule of icing. If presented with an ice, you cannot turn it down, otherwise you are excommunicated. You have to drop to one knee and pound that shit. End of story.
- If you are iced by a bro, the only defense you have against the ensuing ice, is to pull out an ice of your own and “ice block” him. Then he must chug not one, but BOTH ices, otherwise he is your bitch for life.
- Once you have been iced by your bro, you are forever immune to his attacks. You can only be iced once by the same bro. Also, once you lose your ice virginity (which can ONLY occur by being iced, and NOT by icing a bro), you are free to ice whomever you please.
- All flavors are go. And so are all malt beverages. Smirnoff has recently been accused of creating the “bros icing bros” phenomenom as part of a viral guerilla marketing campaign. FUCK THAT. The last thing I want to do is support their cause. Therefore, anything from an old Zima to a Mike’s Hard Raspberry Iced Tea is a GO.
- In order to ice a fellow bro, you must be part of the ice brotherhood. The only way into the Ice Brotherhood? Is by getting iced. If you still have your ice virginity, and attempt to ice another bro who has lost his, not only must you chug the ice you presented, but you also run the risk of getting “Clubbed.” (Note: Ice virgins can ice fellow ice virgins, but an ice virgin can not ice a member of the Ice Brotherhood.)
- What is “Getting Clubbed”? It means you have to drink an entire 6-Pack of disgusting Club canned, mixed beverages. On both knees. Like a bitch.
That is all.