Which Celebrity Will Die in 2010?
Dick Clark used to be called The Boy Who Couldn’t Age. Then he aged all at once really quickly. Clark suffered from a stroke in 2004, and since then he’s been on the way out. He’s still been co-hosting the New Year’s Rockin’ Eve” television special every year, but you can see that he’s slipping. Last year, he wished the entire country a “Happeneryer” at midnight. When your job is saying “Happy New Year” and you can’t do that anymore, that means it’s time to go.
Predicted Cause of Death: Natural Causes (Old Age.)
Larry King has been hosting Larry King Live for 25 years. He was really old when it started, and now he’s 25 years older really old. he’s a f*cking dinosaur. It looks like Larry drank from the wrong cup at the end of The Last Crusade, but then he stopped the rapid aging process in the middle, so he looks like he’s 300 years old, but he can still get around okay. Unfortunately, you can only look 300 for so long.
Predicted Cause of Death: Larry will bump into a person on the street, causing his amulet necklace to slip free, fall to the ground and shatter, after which Larry will disintegrate into dust. It will later be determined that Larry’s ancient egyptian amulet held a curse that was the only thing keeping his mummified body alive.
This is an easy one. People are amazed that she’s survived this long. People actually congratulate Amy when they see that she’s still alive. She parties hard, she’s not gonna slow down until she’s long gone, and nobody will be at all surprised when she dies.
Predicted Cause of Death: She’ll suffocate in a locked dumpster that she crawled into to smoke some crack.
The Bandit is not doing too well lately. His health is starting to fail, and he recently went to rehab for an addiction to prescription painkillers. Burt entered rehab after his housekeeper found him lying unconscious in a pool of blood. Apparently he’d been badly cut and was bleeding out. It seems like Burt doesn’t like getting old, and once you get to that point, it’s only a matter of time.
Predicted Cause of Death: Burt will suffocate on his own mustache.
David Hasslehoff is awesome. He’s also a drunk. His family has stated openly and repeatedly over the past year or so that they are afraid for his health. He’s going to drink himself to death, and 2010 is going to be the year that he does it.
Predicted Cause of Death: Run over by a talking car while drunkenly running in slow motion across the beach whilst on coke.
Lindsay Lohan is young, hot, rich, and crazy. That’s a bad combo. She’s fallen apart over the past couple of years, and it looks like she’ll be staying the course in 2010. She’s completely self-destructive, and now she’s desperate to revitalize her career. She probably has some kind of an ace up her sleeve, but if that doesn’t do the trick, then she’s definitely on suicide watch.
Predicted Cause of Death: Lots and lots of booze and coke.
The lead singer of Aerosmith has gotten so wreckless lately that even the other members of Aerosmith are concerned about him. You know something is bad if an entire rock band is concerned about your health. Ol’ Fishface is on his last leg and he knows it, so he’s gonna go out partying. You gotta respect that.
Predicted Cause of Death: Suffocation, caused by having too many groupie whores piled on top of him after doing the best concert of his entire life.
Courtney Love has always been a crazy, f*cked up bitch. She probably killed Kurt Kobain, and she totally profited from that unfortunate catastrophe. Possibly due to the intense feelings of guilt that come with killing one of the most influencial musicians of a generation, she’s been trying to knock herself off for a long time now. Good luck in 2010, Courtney.
Predicted Cause of Death: A brave warrior name Perseus will come to kill Courtney. Knowing how awful and vile her image is to behold, Perseus will bring a mirrored shield, which he will use to keep an eye on her without having to look directly at her. After that, he’ll simply behead her, use her head as a weapon against his enemies, and eventually be hailed as an epic hero.