What It’s Like to be Unemployed
– Wake up whenever you want. Which is awesome at first, then gets incredibly depressing, then you start waking up around 9am. It’s decent. The drawback is losing your order. Lacking organization and structure in life will literally drive you mad. I keep busy by recycling scrap metal, cans and bottles, selling my entire wardrobe to Buffalo Exchange and selling everything of value I own on eBay for 1/10th the cost.
The key is keeping busy. You know what they say: Having a schedule keeps you moving forward, and preserves “that sense of dignity” that can be lost when the structure your job used to give you suddenly, and unsettlingly, disappears.
– PWNing the minority kids who try to slang candy bars for “college” (Their job is bullshit – I mean, have you ever had a conversation with the Hispanic or Black kid in your economics class, and he mentions how he built his scholarship on $3 Hershey bar knock-offs? FUCK NO!) “Sorry, bro. Unemployed. Later!” Works like a charm. Plus, it’s fucked up that there’s a candy company out there exploiting our minority children, and teaching them the skills needed to be a successful salesman (which, in the hood, means “drug dealer/pimp/profiteer”.)
– Losing my smug attitude. Not that I was ever “smug.” But at age 20, I was living a stone’s throw from the Pacific Ocean, making tons of money for a kid my age and living the dream in OC when “the OC” was the most popular show on television. Now? I drive a BMW (granted, it’s a ’94 and has no interior. Seriously, it’s raw wire and metal.) And I feel lower than “Jefe”, the local Honduran migrant worker who stands outside of Home Depot with “Chuey” and “Victor” on Saturday mornings.
– Losing weight. Yep, during my money-making heyday, I clocked in at 180 lbs. Now? I’m down to 145lbs. Not bad. Now I just need to tone my “Machinest”-esque physique. I can’t believe I once rocked a double chin.
– Appreciating fast food. I used to frown upon six dollar burgers, big macs and spicy chicken sandwiches from Wendy’s. Now that the only thing I can afford are chicken soft tacos, Jack in the Box’s 2 tacos for $0.99 and the McDouble, (and no longer eat $12 italian beef dips with au jous from the Chicago Deli), I truly appreciate the deliciousness of the Double Bacon Whopper. That shit is wonderful. Miraculous, even.
– Collecting unemployment checks. I have to admit, it’s pretty fucking amazing. I go around applying at places that will never hire me, in a job climate where there are 6 qualified prospects for every 1 available job; and then I receive a check for $798 every two weeks for my efforts. But every couple of months, they’ll cut your shit off without explanation (just to fuck with you), make you wait 3 weeks for a “phone interview” (at which point you’ve been evicted), and then reinstate your checks once you’re on the street and your credit cards are in default. (ps – the phone “interview” usually lasts about 15 seconds, and consists of such critical questions as, “What are the last 4 digits of your SSN?”, and “Do you still live at 1000 E. Chapman Ave.?” – Pretty fucking stupid, right? But hey, free money!
– Calling out all the assholes who bashed my prognosticism. Yeah, I know it’s not a word, but I’m using it anyway (prognosticism – to foresee future events before anyone else.) When I got canned, it was back in the glory days. You know – back when unemployment was only 6.3%, people were still in the interest-only portions of their ARM mortgages they now cannot afford, and people were still driving BMW’s whilst making $12/hr at In n Out? I got called a “bum”, a “leech”, a “liberal douchebag”, a “loser” and “lazy”, among other things. Now? Those SAME jerk-offs who bashed me for collecting govt checks are calling me for advice on how to apply for their own unemployment. Dicks. Funny how that one worked out…
– Waiting for the inevitable “individual tax-paying American bailout.” It’s coming, right? I mean, if these huge fucking financial firms can leverage the shit out of themselves and accumulate debt at a rate that makes their liquidity about as juicy as the Gobi Desert, and then receive a bailout, why can’t I? I borrowed money (in the form of student loans, credit cards and auto loans) from banks who were tripping over themselves to give it to me at the lowest interest rate possible (at age 21, I had a $58,000 credit limit. Now? I have a $500 limit.) There is NO difference between the fiscal irresponsibility of big business, and the insolvency issues I am facing as a result of the “California Dream” (Buying things I didn’t need, with money I didn’t have, to impress people I didn’t like.) Well, I suppose there is ONE difference (I didn’t rape my shareholders. Because, um, I didn’t have any – unless you consider my parents shareholders. You know, they “invest” money into my pockets in hopes that they see an equitable ROI .. like me succeeding in life…maybe… someday. FML. ) Anyway…That’s right government!, I want my money!! ANARCHY.