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No, I Did Not Fuck Andy Dick


Allegations have recently resurfaced regarding my relationship with one Andy Dick of Los Angeles, California. I just want to set the record straight right here and right now. Once and for all.

Basehead.

Sometime in 2006, or possibly 2007 (I don’t even remember – nor care), I traveled to LA with my esteemed colleague Bartholomeu Pleskotch and his band “We Are Handsome” to appear on Andy Dick’s (then) radio show “Andy Dick’s Shit Show”, on Sirius satellite radio.

His studio was approximately 4×3 (12 square feet), so I did not join the band during the taping of the program. I instead chose to drink free beer outside the studio with some bitches.

After the show ended (approximately 10pm), Andy and his driver/assistant (some hot, blonde cougar) told me to get into the car with them. So I followed orders. I sat in the backseat of Andy’s Jaguar (or possibly Porsche… I don’t even remember) convertible with Andy. The broad drove. Andy then proceeded to give me six (6) footballs of xanax, which rendered my mind and body completely useless. Alarmed at my comatose state, Andy made the friendly gesture of giving me cocaine. He poured it on the outside of his hand between his index finger and thumb, and had me snort it off. It was fucking amazing cocaine. What can I say? I was now awake. And in the car snorting cocaine on Sunset Blvd. I thought it was marginally cool, despite who I was chillin’ with.

The band was behind us in what I believe to be a ’98 Saturn, but I can’t be sure. I also, to this day, have no idea why Andy had me drive with him and his assistant (I assume it’s because he wanted to rape me.)

We entered several bars in the Hollywood area, eventually getting kicked out of each and every one for reasons varying from: Andy getting into a physical altercation with John Lovitz over the death of Phil Hartman, Andy picking up a random patron’s wine at a swank restaurant, drinking it, setting it down, telling the man and his date to “suck my faggot cock, fucker!”, as well as Andy attempting to steal a bottle of whiskey from behind the bar, as the bartender watched.

We eventually ended up at some shithole in Los Feliz that apparently enjoyed Andy’s presence. He was welcome here, so I didn’t ask questions. It was here that I met Ron Jeremy for the first time. He was shorter than me, but his cock was bigger, so he won. We took a picture together on my blackberry (it didn’t come out.) I should mention that I ran into Ron the following weekend at the Hard Rock Hotel & Casino in Las Vegas. He did not remember me. Nor did he remember me when I bought him a shot of Kessler whiskey at the Rainbow Room in April of 2008. I do not blame him.

Anyway, I skipped a lot of shit, but that’s because I want to get to the point. The “action.” Around 2am, I was the walking dead. I had at least 10-12 drinks in me, a teener of cocaine, 6 footballs of xanax and could barely stand. I attempted to pull my dick out in a bathroom stall of the barto urinate, when Andy decided to join me. The interaction went something like this:

(Andy grabs my cock while I’m pissing)

Me: “Wwwwhaaat the ffffuck are are arrree youuu doiing?” (I will only type that one line of dialogue in drunken stupor for effect. All other sentences of dialogue will be in plain English.)

Andy: “Let’s fuck.”

Me: “Go to hell. Let go of my penis, fag.”

Andy: “Don’t call me a fag! I’m not gay!”

Me: “Then why are you trying to fuck me?”

Andy: “Because I like pretty things. C’mon, let’s fuck!”

Me: “Are you fucking kidding me? I am NOT going to fuck you. Get your hand off my cock.”

(At this point Andy attempted to French kiss me, with his hand still tightly grasped around my cock.)

Losing consciousness and barely aware of the severity of the situation at hand, I somehow simultaneously pulled Andy’s hand off my cock, and his tongue off my face, open-hand punched him, and told him to “Go fuck Mike, asshole!”

(I should note that “Mike” was a member of the band I was hanging out with that night, who Andy had casually made out with whilst rubbing his abs earlier in the evening.)

Andy then tried kissing me again, at which point I said, “Stop trying to fucking fuck me, you fucking queer!”

Andy: “Come on! Just a taste.. Let’s fuck! FINE! If we’re not going to fuck, can I at least suck you off?”

Me (losing consciousness): “FUCK NO ASSHOLE!”

I then pushed him off me, put my dick back in my pants, and walked out of the bathroom. I heard a very drunken and dejected Mr. Dick whimpering something along the lines of “Why do all of the good ones always get away?” as I walked off.

I think I blacked out at the bar shortly thereafter. Andy didn’t try to fuck me again that night. I woke up around 5am at Andy’s apartment. All I can recall were Andy’s two children wide awake on MySpace and X-Box, respectively, with Steve-O from MTV’s Jackass sitting next to me shooting heroin into his penis.

I hate Los Angeles for a lot of reasons, and this is certainly one of them.

I understand why my friends tell people that I “fucked” Andy Dick (they think it’s fucking hilarious.) It is not. The only “good” that came from that evening is that Andy slipped his phone number into the back pocket of my jeans, and I would routinely call Andy every couple of months to check up on him and his career. Our conversations usually went like this:

(3am)

Ring… Ring…

Andy: “Hello?”

Me: “What’s up Andy?”

Andy: “Who’s this?”

Me: “It’s Matt’s friend. Why haven’t I seen you on Celebrity Rehab with Dr. Drew yet?”

Andy: “Fuck off, prick!”

[CLICK]

I should note that the one time he didn’t hang up on me immediately, was because he wanted to explain that, and I quote, “The only reason I haven’t done ‘The Surreal Life’ is because I still have a fucking career. I have projects in development right now you prick. I am making a comeback!”

Several days after that conversation, Andy was arrested in Columbus, Ohio for molesting several male students from the Ohio State University after a long night of cocaine, xanax and boozing.

From what I hear, he entered rehab and is now “clean.” Bullshit.

Andy Dick is a bi-sexual asshole. He is probably also a pedophile. He’s probably not the type of pederast that fucks small children, though. Just the type that fucks 17 year old Hollister models.

I hope I have cleared up any confusion. Thank you.

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