This kind of came out of no where (like most things on the internet do. However, I don’t think this came from 4chan [fuck rules 1&2])
Anyway, here are some truisms:
1. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
3. Bad decisions make good stories. [Like the one about how you were conceived.]
6. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again
8. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.
11. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying. [Especially when it’s “D” or “E”.]
12. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
13. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers! [Or when you’re driving home from Vegas, and some assclown in a modified Integra is going 140mph on the shoulder in bumper-to-bumper traffic, and then 15 minutes up the road you pass him in handcuffs with his sack of coke on the hood of his car and 12 police officers mercilessly beating him with tazers and billy clubs. PWN.]
14. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies” [HAHAHA I love this one, because I recently I told our secretary a client’s name was “V”, as in “Va… mpire. Yeah, fuck.” ]
17. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
18. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
19. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
20. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do! [There are Facebook profiles that AREN’T private!??]
21. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.
22. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….[This is more terrifying than giving a speech. With which I fear with all my heart. Which is bizarre, because I hear I give a god damn good speech.]
24. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.
26. ‘m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
27. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.
28. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.
29. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
30. Why is a school zone 15 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…
31. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists. [Especially if they’re on a fixie. With a stupid-ass hat on. In capris. And are male. Fucking hipsters. At least the 70’s Honda “Motorcycle” is the new fixie in the Hipster Community. FAIL.]
32. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
33. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
34. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
35. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college. [I know I am sterile, because one time I came in a girl I was dating because she was cheating on me, and I wanted that asshole she was fucking to raise my bastard child. With his money. But she didn’t get pregnant. So I did it 3 more times. On a side note, it would fucking suck if it worked, and that kid became the next Obama. Or Bill Gates. Or Kobe. I don’t know why I just used two black examples in there. I am white. FML.]