A Great Quote From The Gayest Flame:
“Favorite new line – She said “I have a boyfriend”, so I replied, “I have a gold fish”. She said “What?”, and I simply replied “Oh I thought we were talking about shit that doesn’t matter.” Thank you Richard and Patrick for that.”
Haha, well played sir.
For those not in the know, the Gayest Flame is a friend (brother to Ginger Mercury) and former co-worker. The Gayest Flame successfully pulled off one of the greatest coup d’etats in Diesel history.
As the story goes:
The employees at Diesel South Coast Plaza in Costa Mesa (Orange County), CA threw a large party sponsored by Peroni beer to celebrate the launch of their new line of Fall goods. Each and every employee got so smashed that management was unable to efficiently run the store, and not a single sale was made (outside of a “free jeans” raffle winner cashing in his prize) that night.
Events that transpired that night:
– A drunken man dressed up in a full body pink rabbit suit. He was smoking weed under the head of the costume. Brilliant.
– Various broads who had visited the store were taking turns puking/snorting gaggers of cocaine in the store bathroom.
– Every single employee was shitfaced drunk, and several of us slept in our cars in the parking garage that night.
– A midget bartender from Guatemala who agreed to be paid in vodka. Think a brown Charlie Day from It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. Hilarity ensued all over the place.
– Much of our product being soaked in booze, vomit, cigarette ash and piss following the event. When we cleaned the store after the party, we found various pills and drugs lying about, and promptly consumed them without fear or consequence of the result(s).
Because our manager could not fire her entire staff, she was faced with a unique problem. We had all violated store policy by not only going beyond our allotted “one or two drinks and that’s IT” rule, but we had also consumed a cornucopia of drugs and weed smoke. Theoretically, we should have all been axed. But that would have required hiring an entire new staff, so instead she instituted a “no drinking on the job for one month” rule.
Two days later, The Gayest Flame (vodka + cran), a long-tenured Mexican employee and top salesperson named Arnolfo (Tecate) and myself (Sam Adams Oktoberfest) decided to have a drink before the store opened on a Sunday morning.
We were caught 30 seconds into our binge by the assistant manager (who hated Mexicans, specifically, the long-tenured Mexican and top salesperson.) The Gayest Flame had brilliantly hid his drink in a Sunkist cranberry juice bottle and claimed “I’m just nursing a hangover” (which, was in fact, true.) Arnolfo (the Mexican) and myself, were caught red-handed, however.
We were suspended a week without pay pending further notice.
A week later, Arnolfo was fired (after being written up a company record of 91 times without termination.) Citing company-wide rules, I was fired as well (despite scoring the store’s only perfect 100% rating by a corporate secret shopper from New York only 9 days prior.) The reasoning is that it would be “racist” to fire a Mexican, and keep whitey (me.) My thoughts were: Why not just fire the fucking guey for his 91 (now 92) write-ups, and keep me for my awesome looks, sales performance, and secret-shopper impressing abilities??
They didn’t see it my way.
To date, that was my last “real” job (side note: I now work for a well-respected and prestigious financial firm here in Orange County, but I make my own hours and play by my own rules, so it’s not the same as the whole “time clock” routine.)
Anyway, the point I’m getting at is this: Because the Gayest Flame (author of the hilarious quote that kick-started this whole story) had the foresight to drink vodka+cran out of a sunkist bottle, and not openly chug a beer out of a not-so-conspicuous beer bottle, he not only kept his job, but eliminated the top two sales people, and was promoted from “Stock Troll” to SALES PERSON! (his job prior was to live in the cave we called the “stock room” and hand jeans to us for minimum wage when our high-profile customers demanded them)
Bravo, Gayest Flame, bravo!
We have since had a long-running feud over whether or not the Gayest Flame “stole my job” or not. The answer is: No. He did not. He did, however, out-maneuver me. Well played, sir.
ps) You may be wondering why I call Ryan Fleming “The Gayest Flame.” Well, it’s simple. Much like his brother, “Ginger Mercury”, he is a ginger kid (one who has red hair, pale skin, and sometimes, but not always, freckles.) Additionally, he has slept with over 400 women (note: We do not know how he has sex with so many women, but it’s probably his tattoos and extensive peacocking), and thus has multiple (rumored) VD’s. So when women sleep with him, their vaginas burn afterwards (his penis is nicknamed “the torch.”) Hence, THE GAYEST FLAME.
For the record, the Gayest Flame is an all-around good guy, and I hold no ill will towards him.
Although, he did take my fucking job. At diesel. Friggin guy. Heh 😉
Edit: I think it’s fair for Fleming (The Gayest Flame) to have his rebuttal… Here is his response to my alleged libel, hyperbole and exaggeration:
“I will have to defend myself a bit if anyone questions these allegations, but they are in fact based on some sort of reality I suppose. Although my nickname comes from my stomach tattoo and tendency for others to call me gay, Never has it been cited due to VD.” – Ryan “The Gayest Flame” Fleming