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Why You’re Still Single

Why You’re Still Single

#1. Will do anything for “shits and giggles”

#2. Own a 60-inch flat-screen Plasma television, but sleep on a broken futon

#3. Don’t like Insane Clown Posse’s music per se, but think his philosophy is sound

#7. Have a five o’clock shadow, on your ass

#8. Own more than one CD with “JAMZ” in the title

#11. Won’t travel anywhere out of “blading distance”

#13. Display with pride your framed degree from bartending school

#14. Hug amusement park mascots

#15. Greet acquaintances as “guy”

#17. Own a “It’s Not Going to Suck Itself” T-shirt

#19. Cry whenever you listen to Belle and Sebastian and then, still tearful, blog about it

#20. Scream out Wheel of Fortune answers

#23. Have a “Peeing Calvin” decal on your Prius

#24. Posed shirtless for your MySpace profile

#27. Choose the fist bump as your preferred method of greeting, and always insist the other person “lock it in”

#29. Cruise around town on a Razor Scooter

#32. Perform yoga in parks

#33. Own the complete trilogy of Matrix novelizations

#34. Snack on whipped cream

#38. Use the word “plethora”

#41. Call “October” “Rocktober”

#47. Take off work each year to celebrate Cinco de Mayo; are Irish

#48. Have a dangerously high Thetan count

#49. Have been edited out of several Girls Gone Wild videos

#50. Categorize your lip balms according to flavor

#51. Refer to your Blackberry as a “Crackberry”

#52. Refer to your penis as “Da Mayor”

#53. Purchased your dining room set using “Marlboro Miles”

#55. Use an electronic device to smoke pot

#56. Have ever responded to someone with, “That’s so typical for a Sagittarius”

#57. Have more than zero stuffed animals on your bed

#62. Have entertained the notion that “The Axe Effect” is real

#63. Have ever dressed up as a penis or tampon for Halloween

#66. Sport a patriotic “tramp stamp”

#67. Take advantage of the “eight movies at a time” Netflix option

#68. Have TiVo’ed the entire run of Criss Angel’s Mindfreak

#71. Sleep with only a shirt, Porky Pig style (men only)

#74. Refuse to drink any beer that has not been “beach-wood aged”

#75. Have nicknamed yourself the “Virgin Surgeon”

#78. Write “I swear this chain letter really works!!!” in email subject lines

#89. Grow overheated during Apple vs. PC debates

#90. Are known among your girlfriends as “Heavy Flow”

#91. Often quote lyrics from Jimmy Buffett’s “Cheeseburger in Paradise”

#96. Have ever penned a poem inside a Starbucks

#97. Freelance as a House DJ

#98. Posted a Craigslist “Missed Connection” to find the kid who groped you on the subway

#99. Believe the mouth is self-cleaning

#103. Have less body hair than your last three girlfriends

#104. Call Grey’s Anatomy simply “Grey’s”

#108. Are credited on Wikipedia for having invented the “Dirty Sanchez”

#109. Have a dart board in your kitchen

#111. Have taken more than one digital photo of your genitals

#112. Pepper your conversation with the words “Bennifer,” “celebutante” and “blogosphere”

#116. Really miss the “old” Britney

#117. Are “In a Relationship” on Facebook and “It’s Complicated”

#119. Bring your camera to Happy Hour

#122. Argue the virtues of Horny Goat Weed versus Weekend Prince

#123. Are a “two-pump chump”

#124. Emulate the fashion sense exhibited by the Rastafarian culture

#125. Learned everything you know about relationships from Kevin Smith movies

#134. Believe that irony + facial hair = laughs

#137. Use the word “irregardless”

#138. Have given your pubic hair a “junior executive” cut

#142. Have an essentially unattractive appearance and/or personality

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