How to Ruin Your Relationship In Three (3) Easy Steps
Y’know how sometimes you have an awesome, attractive girlfriend who genuinely likes you, is an excellent cook, laughs at all your racist jokes, and loves all of the same things that you do? And you know how whenever you find yourself in that situation, you just think, “Man, this sucks! How do I get myself out of this predicament?” Don’t worry, friend, because we’ve got the answer for you: you need to ruin your relationship, and we’re going to tell you exactly how to do it in three simple steps:
Step 1: Be Too Available
If you really want to ruin your relationship with your girlfriend, be available to her. In fact, be too available. Be so available that she knows where you are and what you’re doing at all times. Make sure she knows what time you leave for work, what time you get off of work, and exactly how long it takes you to get home from work. Text her throughout the day to let her know where you are and what you’re doing. Make sure she knows the birthdays of all of your friends and co-workers. This way, when you start hanging out with other chicks after work, it’ll be easy for her to figure out that you’re cheating on her, and it’ll be really obvious that you’ve suddenly changed, and something’s up. She’ll also be able to see it coming a mile away, too, when you start lying to her and making up excuses for why you suddenly have to break your routine and behave abnormally. It’s always best to have her be suspicious for months ahead of time, before she actually confronts you about anything, so that she’ll be completely emotionally out of control.
Step 2: Use Facebook
Facebook is awesome. Everyone can pretty much agree on that, but when you’re trying to stay in a relationship, it can be your worst enemy. The problem doesn’t necessarily stem from the in a relationship/single status, although that can and will cause a whole mess of bullshit. With facebook, your business is right out there for everyone to see, and especially for your girlfriend. Female relatives, old classmates, and childhood friends will all become threats in the eyes of your girlfriend on facebook. It’s almost a guarantee that she was well aware of your facebook activity before the two of you even started dating, so the idea that she doesn’t rummage through your page like Dexter at a murder scene is like saying Paris Hilton’s vagina doesn’t smell like the floormat of a truck stop bathroom. You’ll get grief the moment any female comments or posts anything on your page, and forget about going out with your boys without her. Somehow, that “pretty chill night” you guys spent at the bar will always turn out looking like you did blow off of a hooker’s rack in the facebook photos. It’s much easier to not have a facebook at all, and just catch up with old friends in the real world, like an actual person, because the grief of having facebook and a girlfriend is really not worth it. Plus, you can always just poke someone with your actual finger if you really want to.
Step 3: Constantly Compare Her To Your Ex-Girlfriend
In order to ruin a perfectly good relationship, you’ll need to provide your girlfriend with some unrealistic expectations to live up to. This will foster jealousy and resentment, which are the at the foundation of any doomed relationship. The easiest route to these unrealistic expectations is with simple, frequent comparisons to your ex-girlfriend. Your current girlfriend is probably going to be better at some things than your ex was, but there are bound to be a lot of things that your ex could totally kick your new girlfriend’s ass at. Don’t soften the blow at all. If you’re going to ruin this relationship, it’s important that your girlfiend is fully aware of how much better your ex-girlfriend was at certain things, like Guitar Hero and blowjobs and stuff like that. Don’t just casually mention it, either. Really try to drive home the fact that, compared to the last person you f*cked on a regular basis, your current girlfriend is inadequate in many ways.
As you can see, it’s really not that hard to ruin a perfectly good relationship. With a little time, focus, and some genuine lack of concern for the feelings and well-being of your girlfiend, even the most loyal and dedicated boyfriend can easily ruin the best thing that’s ever happened to him. So go get ’em, dude!
[thank you: Holy Taco]
ps) I am so fucked.