A Comprehensive Guide to Modern Douchebaggery
The modern douchebag archetype really took hold sometime in the mid 80’s. It was during this time that the douchebag became an urban phenomenon, best personified by people like this:
But these douchebags are relatively harmless. Certainly nothing to worry about. I myself fit into this more traditional douchebag mold (minus the horrible sense of style, but more so the unearned arrogance.) I’ve come to grips with my own douchey tendencies, and I spend every day trying to control them the best I can. It isn’t easy, but it’s all I can do.
Then a new type of douchebag became the standard well through the Great Douchebag Spike of the 2000’s, best personified by non-celebrity and total fag, Spencer Pratt:
Holy shit, what a douche. Anyway, as we progressed later into the 2000’s, a new kind of douchebag emerged: The Nouveau-Douche, which is more arrogant and less intelligent than its forebearers. Simultaneously, the Aggressive Douchebag population began to explode. The Uber-Douche, if you will, is even cockier and dumber. This newer douchebag model is virtually impervious to ridicule. Here’s a visual:
As we’re now faced with a crisis unlike any other in recent American history, its important to determine just what a douchebag is. Douchebags = men who are unknowingly obnoxious and annoying.
Douchebags are also likely to be sporting:
-frosted or spiked hair, a “faux hawk”, a shaved head or some flat-ironed bullshit
-clever beard/goatee designs
-cologne (generally pungent and in excess)
-barbed wire tattoos, full sleeves, nautical stars, sparrows, koi fish, and any other “flash” from the parlor wall they thought was “tits” when they were wasted with their bros
-a Hummer (substitute: Raised truck, modified japanese sports car or Yukon on spinners)
Keep in mind, there is a key distinction between douchebags and assholes. Assholes, by comparison, are men who are well aware of how obnoxious and annoying they’re being. Let’s see if you can pass this simple test:
In Wedding Crashers, who was the douchebag?
A) Bradley Cooper
B) Vince Vaughn
If you answered A) Bradley Cooper, congratulations! You are well on your way to understanding the difference between douchebags and assholes.
Q: Can women be douchebags?
A: Yes. Kind of. But it takes great lengths to achieve female douchebag status. Sarah Palin is a great example.
Q: Can gay men be douchebags?
A: Yes. Oddly enough, a gay man can be a douchebag, but not an asshole.
Q: Give me another classic example of a traditional douchebag.
A: That’s easy. President Lyndon B. Johnson.
Q: Now how about Nouveau-Douche?
A: Kevin Federline. Jon Gosselin. Anybody on “The Hills”, “The Real World”; VH1’s various dating shows. The quintessential Renaissance Douches.
Q: What exactly is a Aggressive Douchebag?
A: Roger Clemens comes to mind.
Q: So then what’s an Uber-Douche?
A: Just watch MTV.
Q: Who’s the world’s biggest douchebag?
A: That’s a toughie. Because douchebags don’t vary to the degree that assholes do, it’s hard to pick one that stands out. I would have to say Spencer Pratt is in the running though. Just an incredible douche on so many levels. Everything he says is complete douche-drivel. He should be banned from television and print for life.
Q: What is an asshole?
A: Assholes cut you off in traffic then break check you. Assholes cut in line. Assholes won’t move over at the bar. Assholes hit on your girlfriend in front of you. Assholes are never wrong. Assholes, simply put, are assholes.
Q: Can you be an asshole and a douchebag at the same time?
A: No. The difference between the two is that the asshole knowingly pisses you off. The douchebag unknowingly pisses you off. It’s impossible to pull both off, unless you suffer from schizophrenia.
Q: Are assholes good for the world?
A: They absolutely can be. Assholes get things done. Some can even qualify as badasses.
Q: Hold on, what’s a Badass?
A: An asshole who can get away with it because he’s a cool fucker. If you need a visual explanation, see Lt. Col. Kilgore above. Badasses are extremely rare, accounting for less than 1% of the entire asshole population.
Q: Can badasses be assholes?
A: Not really. Assholes can be badasses, but badasses get a pass from the asshole list. Even Patton.
Q: What’s the difference between an asshole and an asswipe?
A: Asswipes are douchebags. Same term.
Q: Help! Everyone at my office is a fucking asshole!
A: You must work in real estate or the subprime loan business.
Q: My father beat me up when I was a kid. Is he an asshole?
A: Yes, unless you were a douchebag and had it coming.