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Wisconsin: Great State or Mid-West Hellhole?


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One of my favorite time-killing hobbies is browsing UrbanDictionary.com. Specifically, browsing the “definitions” that people have come up with for their respective States (my home State of California has got some great ones.)

So let’s start this off by seeing what the fine people of Wisconsin have to say about themselves, as well as what out-of-staters (presumably Big 10 rival states) have to say:

Pros:

“A state in the Midwest where people definitely know how to have fun. However the only way to do it is either to drink excessively (like 99% of the pop. does) or to spend all night shooting off fireworks at houses. If you ever go to Madison (capitol city) being sober is not an option. it has arguably one of the best party schools in the country. despite the lack of sobriety in Wisconsin, the driving skill far surpasses that of Illinois’s. the un-ending rivalry between Wisconsin and Illinois is by far the most hate-driven in the U.S. However the two are terribly similar if you substitute cheese for corn and forests for fields. Also, even though they seem to hate each other, when a Wisconsinite and Illinoisan actually meet they are most likely to become great friends…weird.

Overall Wisconsin is a great place to live if you can take the disgustingly frigid winters and sometimes brutally hot summers.”

“The best by far out of all 50 states. We some of the friendliest folk you will ever find. Although some of our people speak with a kind of Canadian accent buts thats more to the north. By far the best city is Milwaukee, home to the Milwaukee Brewers. Theres lots to do in Wisconsin such as Summerfest, deer hunting, going to the Dells (Home to Americas largest waterpark), hanging by Lake Michigan, and many others. We also have the most famous football team in the leauge the Green Bay Packers (who by the way won the first and second Super Bowls so all you other states can suck it.) Wisconsins state animal is the Badger which is a very beautiful animal. And even the Super Bowl trophy is named after our famous coach Vince Lombardi. The weather is always nice except it can drastically change on the spot. Overall Wisconsin is the best place to live. The Packers are known to have a very huge rivalry with the Chicago Bears (who suck) and the Minnesota Vikings (also suck.)”

“The only place in the country where the youth can drink legally…
Under parental supervision.”

Cons:

“tenth circle of hell”

“where people from minnesota flee to when everyone in minnesota hates them”

“1) A state where watching grass grow could be considered an actual sport.
2) Most glorified dairy products on the planet.
3) The state that you DON’T want to live in.
4) A place where people think that just because the Pack won the first Super Bowl that they have the greatest team every season. (COUGH 4-12 COUGH)
5) A state that has an endless amount of dumbass Indian-named cities that has a 2-year learning curve to be able to pronounce the names correctly.
6) Has some of the highest taxes in the country for no particular reason at all.
7) Rednecks who hate gays are everywhere, but somehow it’s a blue state every election.”

“Minnesota Light. Aka Minnesota Junior.”

Neutral:

A state very similar to Michigan and (unfortuantly) Illinios. Wisconsin is, for some reason, famous for it’s cheese. I wouldn’t have a fucking clue because the only cheese I eat is the stuff on my burgers. The southern part of the state is mostly suburbs and cities. The largest city of Milwaukee, is actually quite boring. They make Miller beer, Harley motorcycles, and light switches. Milwaukee has a shitty pro-basketball team, the Bucks, an up-and-coming baseball team, the Brewers, and decent college Basketball teams, UWM and Marqutte.

The central part of the state is mainly farm land. Evinrude and Mercury outboard motors are made in central WI.

The north is pure back-coutry. Vilas and Oneida countys are the biggest examples of such. In the winter snowmobiling possibilies are endless, much like the U.P. of Michigan.

All in all, Wisconsion kicks ass. especially the north.”

Alright. Now that that’s out of the way, let me tell you what I think:

64

I am from California. Specifically, the legendary (infamous, regrettable, overrated, awesome) Orange County. I was born and bred in Anaheim, San Clemente, Dana Point, Laguna Beach and Fullerton. This makes me both an “inlander” (see: anything beyond Irvine) and “cool” (according to people that live on the coast: other people that live on the coast are cool, and no one else is.) That being said, I’ve always felt very highly of my hometown and State. In fact, up until 2004, I was under the impression that no other states in the nation had “hot chicks.” I was mistaken.

My first visit to Wisconsin was during the Summer of 2008. I was in Madison, the State’s Capitol and home of the University of Wisconsin-Madison (aka “Wisconsin”), who proudly support their Badgers of the Big Ten Conference. Everything written in that quote I posted at the very top of this blog is true. I’ve partied at many “legendary” party schools. From LSU and Georgia Southern, to UC Santa Barbara, Cal Poly SLO and San Diego State. But Wisconsin wins. By far. Without question. I love Madison. It is a glorious city (and home of The Onion – The World’s Finest News Source.)

This summer (2009), I visited Milwaukee, the State’s largest city (by population.) Milwaukee sucks. It is a shithole. It reminded me of Long Beach, CA. But instead of bordering the Pacific Ocean, it borders Lake Michigan. I imagine Milwaukee is a lot like Detroit, Baltimore, Buffalo, and other moribund U.S. cities who’s best days are far behind them. Everything in Milwaukee is one of three colors: Rust, grey or beige. It is cloudy and cold. Also, when the sun decides to come out briefly, it becomes humid and disgusting. Milwaukee does have a couple things going for itself though: Miller Park (home of the Milwaukee Brewers Major League Baseball) and the Miller Brewing Company (from which Miller Park derives its name.) Beyond that, everything sucks.

Oh yeah, there’s a bar in Milwaukee called the “Safe House” and it kicks fucking ass. It is the coolest bar I have ever been to in my life (and I’ve been to bars from San Francisco, to Tijuana, to Savannah and back to Hollywood and LA.)

Anyway, I need to wrap this up soon (and I feel like it’s going nowhere fast.) Wisconsin is a cool state. I thought the mid-west was going to suck. It doesn’t. Only Milwaukee sucks. Everyone there looks homeless and depressed, and they frequently brag about their alcoholism (coping mechanism?) and the Packers. They have cheese curds (when deep-fried and combined with beer will destroy your fucking stomach.) None of the bars serve Coors or Budweiser. Just Miller. In fact, most bars have a picture of MLB commissioner (and notable Milwaukee resident) Bud Selig, proclaiming “This is the ONLY Bud we serve!” Clever. Also, the women are not hot, and everyone there is either white trash or a ghetto-ass black person (generally homeless.) There is also a river which flows through town which is pleasant.

Madison, however, redeems everything that Milwaukee ruins about Wisconsin. It is situated between two beautiful lakes, and is accentuated by the State’s Capitol dome. They have a very diverse beer selection (as well as food, as I saw restaurants featuring every type of food from Ethiopian to Uruguayan.) It is a college town, and all the chicks are pretty bangable (despite the large amount of cheese and beer they consume.) Everyone there is a cool liberal (not a far-left wacko.) They are simply progressive and intelligent college people with good ideas. They love to party and know how to fucking do it. The guys are cool, and the only ones who tried to fight me were from Chicago (douchebags.)

I give Wisconsin a thumbs-up.

If you’re going to visit the Mid-West, I would avoid Minnesota, Illinois, Iowa and Michigan. Just go to Madison. It kicks ass.

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