Top Five (5) Filthiest Drug Users (According to Me):

5. The Stoner. Please don’t confuse “the stoner” with “the casual weed smoker.” There’s a big difference. Your dad, best friend from college, and nextdoor neighbor are likely casual weed smokers. But “stoners” exist on another level of shame than those who smoke weed sparingly and without consequence. The Stoner usually has a subscription to High Times magazine, can break down the fundamental differences between Indica and Sativa down to their double helixes, and rarely has a conversation not squarely centered around marijuana. Also, he has a fraudulent medical marijuana ID he got for his “back pain” which he uses to fool local law enforcement. The stoner worships the sweet leaf, and likely has no life outside of the marijuana culture. He is one to be pitied, as his life is a sad, pathetic existence revolving around a plant that happens to get you high when you smoke it. Sad.The stoner is also likely dreadlocked, bearded or mustachioed. See: Unkempt.

4. The Tweaker. Why isn’t coke just good enough for some people? Maybe it’s because of the price. Who knows. But eventually those who enjoyed the intense “upper” effects of cocaine fall down the slippery slope that is methanphetamine addiction. Yep, one minute you’re snorting lines at a party in Malibu, the next second you’re smoking speed out of a lightbulb in a Venice motel room. You age forty years in 6 months, and your body becomes covered in scabs. You likely Also lost your collective mind whilst on one of your 96-hour tweak binges and will never be the same. The tweaker is the scurge of society, and should be shot upon sight.

3. The Alcoholic. How could I have possibly listed the alcoholic above the tweaker and the stoner? Easily. The alcoholic still has a grip on his mind. He knows what he’s doing. And (likely) operates a motorized vehicle after ingesting his sweet, sweet poison. The great allegory of Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde illustrated the effects of alcohol on the minds of decent men, and that story holds true today. Even the most decent of men become depraved animals who lust for sex with anything that will accept them. They lose all decency once the alcohol takes effect. Most violent crimes are committed by those under the intoxication of alcohol. Seem like a coincidence? Not to me.

2. The Heroin Addict. When you reach the point in your existence where the number one thing you look forward to in life is tying off, fixing your batch and shooting up your black tar, then you’re likely far beyond a dreg. The concentration camp-esque physical appearances of heroin addicts are reminiscent of Christian Bale in the Machinist (only with the boils and track marks of someone with Typhoid or the Bubonic Plague.) A filthy, horrible disease heroin addiction is – there’s likely no turning back. If you haven’t contracted HIV or Hep C from sharing needles, and haven’t overdosed yet, there may be hope for you. But remember, if the streets don’t kill you, those withdrawls probably will.

1. The Oxycontin Smoker. This combines the worst elements of the tweaker with the heroin addict. At this point, you’re physically dependent on opiates. The instructions are to eat (see: swallow) them, but you’re probably not going to follow the directions, because you want to get high NOW. Instead of fixing them (gross), or snorting them (reasonable), you say to yourself – “I’m feeling extra wasteful and tweakerish today, I’m going to smoke this pill.” Yes. That’s right. There are actual morons out there who SMOKE oxycontin. Despite the fact that you get about 30% as high as you would if you say, snorted, parachuted or ate the pill, people insist on burning the pills over tin foil, and sucking up the toxic smoke through a straw. It’s completely wasteful and disgusting, smells like shit, DESTROYS your lungs, and doesn’t get you that high. The reason the oxycontin smoker is ranked #1 here is because of their pure idiocy, mixed with their heroin addict/tweaker-esque approach to abusing narcotics. Good luck, my friends, for a total respiratory failure or massive seizure awaits you and your addiction to toxic fume inhalation. Scumbags.