Home > Uncategorized > iPhones: Pretty gh3y

iPhones: Pretty gh3y

This is an app I’d looooooooove to see for the iPhone:


Note: Douchiness does not apply to women.

Let me explain something really quickly: Women have, and always will, possess gaudy and excessive fucking phones. Back before the time of the iPhone, women were covering their RZRS and sidekicks with enough Chanel decals, fake crystal casings and neon-looking bullshit to keep the “Pointless Mall Kiosk Guy” and his gallery of stupid-ass cell phone-related accessories in business for years. Then came the iPhone. And apps. BAM! The perfect phone for bitches.

Which brings me to one of my favorite jokes:

Guy 1: “Duuude… SICK phone!”

Guy 2: “Thanks, bro!”

Guy 1: “Do they make it for men? LOLz!!!1”

Yes, the iPhone is the most unacceptable phone for men since the sidekick (side note: do you guys remember sidekicks? holy fucking crap those things were gh3y. Wow. Ok, moving on…)

Also, have you heard this one…?

Q: How do  you know someone has an iPhone?

A: They tell you.

Yes. I think it’s actually part of the contract when you buy one. There’s a clause in there that mandates that you must pull your phone out of your pocket and show it off/talk about it/demonstrate some shitty app when one of the following situations arises:

a.) You’re in the presence of a woman you want to have sex with.

b.) There’s an awkward silence at the bar.

c.) You met someone for the first time.

d.) You’re chillin in class bored, and want people to think you’re the shit.

e.) You feel inept/insecure around a large group of people and want to be accepted.

Now, speaking of inept douches:

Here’s another app (from cracked.com) that I’d love to see for the iPhone:

778_slideConclusion: If you’re a chick (well, the type of chick who wears sunglasses at night, carries her dog in her purse, and makes cameos in Mickey Avalon videos) then the iPhone is a perfectly acceptable device to own.

However, if you’re a self-respecting man, you probably shouldn’t own an iPhone.

Two more things: AT&T is HAND DOWN the WORST network out of all four  major U.S. cell carriers (Verizon, T-Mobile, ATT, Sprint) and Apple (although trendy and pretty friggin cool to look at) has some of the worst software this side of Windows ’95.

So anyway, don’t be this guy:


Go buy a Samsung.

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