The Strange Goings on of the Early Morning Hours
Had my first multi-penalty game in over four seasons tonight (which is significant, since I’m a net minder.)
When your team has the lead, you don’t “Michigan” the goaltender (see: showboat.) If you do, expect a cross check. Just saying.
After the game I went to go shoot some pool, and that quickly deteriorated into a horrifying evening filled with some of the worst people out there.
1. The Pretentious Hipster, or: The Music Snob. “Oh, you don’t know the Mummies? [gives condescending look of disgust]; they were just one of the most influential shock performers of the 1990’s [cracks a cocky grin indicating his satisfaction with himself, and pity of you.]
2. The Drunken “Spiritual” Chick: “Yeah, ya know, I believe in like, philosophy, and like a clean lifestyle. Like, I’m totally into holistic medicine and the vegetarian way of life. [puffs cigarette, and swigs warm bottle of Sierra Nevada.] You should totally check out this book I’m reading. It will, like, totally open your eyes to like a [misused adjective] like point of view. Surrrsly.”
3. Coked-Out Psycho Babbler: “Dude I used to totally surf and shit bro. Fuck bro, I’m 31. What the fuck am I DOING dude? Dude, am I annoying you? Sorry man, I’m just like, fucking reeaaally fucking high on coke. It’s fucking legit. Want some dude?”
[No, I don’t]
4. Anonymous Groupie: “And this tattoo isn’t finished, but I got it after Static Lullaby changed my life. Have you heard of them? Oh. My. God. Amazing. I actually used to hook up with [insert bass player’s name], but he went on tour and we lost contact. God. He is SUCH a genius.”
[Then why the FUCK haven’t I heard of him? And what was he a genius at, slamming your drunken snatch in his tour van? Seriously, broad, shut the fuck up.]
Anyway, here I am at 5:14am.
Some drunken vato gave me the keys to his Impala and told me to have it back by 10am. What a nice guy.