The Five (5) Criteria For Long-Term Success (A Guide for Women)
As you may know, I recently posted a “Date Application” in my Myspace blog. I don’t expect any serious applicants, and it was done primarily as a joke (and for some potentially entertaining material for my eventual book.)
Well, in the spirit of the date application, I’m going to run through five quick criteria that I look for in a prospective girlfriend:
(Note: These are strictly physical characteristics. I’ll go into what I require from a woman psychologically at a later date.)
1. You look good without makeup. At one point or another, you’re going to start sleeping over at my place. When I wake up in the morning, I don’t appreciate makeup all over my pillow and sheets. I also don’t like waking up to a pale freak who does not have any eyebrows. I admire natural beauty, and nothing is more deceitful than a broad who looks stunning, but once the make up is gone, resembles a cancer patient with a meth problem. Don’t get me wrong, ladies – a little makeup is nice. It’s required actually. But if your looks become dependent on it, then I want nothing to do with you.
2. Please no cellulite. This is one of the worst things ever. And I’m not talking about a little imperfection that requires a microscope to see, I’m talking full-on cottage cheese in your early twenties. Seriously. There is no excuse for this. Honestly girls, if you have cellulite before your first child, then lay off the fucking Jack in the Box. What’s funny is I see this a lot more in skinny girls than in fat chicks. Reason being? “Skinny Fat.” This is a disorder characterized by losing weight through starving yourself, going on the “cocaine diet”, smoking tweak or puking up your meals. If you lose weight without exercise, your muscles fail to tone. And the result is disgusting, baggy skin with cellulite that hangs off your bones like a wet grocery bag. So please try to avoid cellulite at all costs ladies. We’re begging you.
3. Nice boobs. Note that this does NOT mean “fake boobs”, “big boobs” or “perfect boobs.” I’m not hung like Tommy Gunn, so I don’t expect every woman to have a rack that would make Katie Price look like an A-cup. I just can’t tolerate HUGE nipples (see: pepperonis), lopsided breasts, fucked up tit jobs or “banana boobs” (google image these fuckers if you don’t know what they look like. Prepare to be disgusted.) Size doesn’t matter either. As long as they’re cute, then I’m satisfied. Besides, I’m more of a lower-body guy anyway.
4. Hygeine. Simple, right? Well it’s amazing how many girls fuck this one up. All I ask is that when you hang out with me, you have clean hair, smell good, are clean-shaven and wearing a cute outfit. My biggest problem is with the shaving part. Guys have hair, whatever. Girls, however, should never have hair anywhere below their neck. I can forgive a little stubble, I don’t expect girls to shave every day. But when your armpits, legs and your ..you know.. become overgrown with hair, it makes me want to vomit. It’s seriously disgusting. I have no tolerance for it. I’m sorry.
And while you’re at it, how about a nice tan? I’m not really into tan lines and complete paleness once I have you naked. I’m more into a monochrome shade. You know, just one, uniform pigment of color across your entire nude body. If you have rosy skin, I’m not going to hate on you. Not everyone has what it takes to look like M.I.A. after a day at the beach. All I ask is to keep your skin relatively universal in terms of pigment.
5. Je Ne Sais Quoi. This French expression is loosely defined as, “An intangible quality which makes something distinctive or attractive.” In other words, “that special something.” We’ve already gone over boobs, butt, hygeine and makeup. All that leaves is this hidden little quality that drives men nuts. All girls should know what there’s is, and how to use it. Whether it’s the way you look into our soul with your deep brown eyes, or that cute smile you make right before you pounce on us in bed, every woman should have her own je ne sais quois.
Those who don’t are considered soulless wenches to me. And I only have one piece of advice for women who do not possess a soul (see: bro hoes, women that cheat, liars, girls that fuck you every night for 4 months and then abruptly stop returning your calls without explanation) – continue filling that void where your soul should be with cock, and in time I hope it clogs the problem. And for the rest of you amazing women out there: Keep doing what your doing, and become familiar with your je ne sais quois. Master it. Control it. Use it for evil. Most men are unable to resist it, and it will give you the control you so desperately need over us and our wallets. God speed, ladies.