The Stench of Desperation
Not having a job is a lot like going through a “drought” with the ladies.
Both women and prospective employers can both sense the desperation.
That being said, let’s review why finding a job is exactly like trying to get laid:
1. The Pick-Up Line/The Résumé: They’re basically the same thing. You’re trying to catch your target’s attention. If you do well, you get to fill out an application.
2. Casual Conversation/The Application: This is where the target gets to know a little bit about you. And if they’re impressed by what they hear/read, then you’ll be getting called back for an interview (see: date.)
3. The First Date/The Interview: Always a nervous event for the person in question. But if you’re able to sweep him/her off their feet, then you’re probably going to get a kiss.
4. The Second Interview/The First Kiss: Mmm. First base. Nothing quite like it. He or she better feel some sparks though. Otherwise you won’t be getting a…
5. Third Interview/Second Base: Once you’ve hit second base, you’re pretty much in. I mean, unless you monumentally screw up (forget to mention you’re a registered sex offender [which applies in both cases]), you’re pretty much going to get the job (or sex.)
6. The Final Interview/Third Base; Home Run: Let’s face it. If you make it around to third, the coach is probably going to wave you home. The only instances in which you’re not going to seal the deal is if it’s her “time of the month” (or in an employer’s case – they’re waiting to fire the person who’s job you’re taking, etc.)
So there you go. It’s basically the same deal.
Obviously, I didn’t take being drunk into account…because then all the rules are thrown out the window. And that’s a whole ‘nother blog for a whole ‘nother day.
Ex. “Jesus H. Christ Larry, I hired Smith’s kid the other day when we hammered on the back 9. What the fuck was I thinking? The little shit is a fucking idiot.”
Ex. “Oh. My. God. I’m pretty sure I fucked Rubber Johnny last night. He was famous, and he was kind of funny? I dunno…I need to vomit.”
Yep. This is my life. Constantly getting to third base and then getting shut down. I’m going to start mailing out questionnaires to organizations that didn’t hire me. I need to get to the bottom of this bullshit already.
That being said, I’d like to thank the Bush Administration in coordinance with the Obama Administration for ensuring that I will be receiving unemployment checks for what appears to be the course of the rest of my adult life.